Happy New Year everyone! I hope this holiday season has been filled with much love, good health and an abundance of laughs and joyed-filled moments for you and the ones you love.
I think it's only natural to reflect and look back at the entire year as whole to see how much we've changed; to examine where we've been and to acknowledge - at least on some level - the collective power that the countless moments of the past year's 365 days have impacted our lives. In regards to my individual journey as one who is intimately connected to adoption, I have been doing a significant amount of reflecting upon not only how this past year has changed me as an adoptee and adoptive parent, but how the past three years in particular have shaped, influenced and brought me to where I am today.
I have often told others that it was 3 years ago that I experienced a rebirth in regards to my identity as an adoptee. To say that I went from seeing my world in only black and white to technicolor (and in HD at that!) is a gross understatement. Instead it felt as if I had been granted an infinite amount of spectacles from which to see - with each subsequent lens more intense, profound and powerful than the last. Feelings, emotions, questions, thoughts and even physical affections that I didn't even know existed were suddenly thrust upon me. I consumed it all with a voracity that I had never experienced before. As a then 35 year-old adoptee, the world of adoption opened up to me and quenched a thirst that I cannot explain. The words that presented themselves to me, the validation that I experienced from others, the ability to express myself through language that was both understood by me and by others would literally move me to tears. I knew I was entering a new realm and would never again be able to stand comfortably in my former existence. This knowledge literally kept me awake at night with feelings of both anticipation and trepidation. Who was I to become under the tutelage of this formidable awakening that I had undergone?
It's funny how one can feel so markedly different and yet never more like herself. I have changed so much as a person - the writings here can certainly attest to that - and yet oddly I feel more like me than I ever have. I suppose that hokey-pokey "coming home to being me" feeling can be attributed to several steps that I have actively initiated to bring about a person who feels comfortable in her own skin. Taking care of who I am in a way that is honest, meaningful and real has not been something that I have been too successful at over the course of my lifetime. This journey has granted me that gift.
When I look at the strides along my path, I can see and still sharply feel the steps - alternately or at times in conjunction - that have been marked by feelings of anger, doubt, elation, detachment, hope, apathy, helplessness, skepticism, love, frustration, resentment, support, kindness and friendship. As I often tell my kids, I told myself that it was okay and natural to have these feelings and many times struggled to own them as well as take responsibility for each one, especially the ones that challenged me or put me in a place of unease or discomfort. There were many setbacks along the way, some which had nothing to do with me, but many more that stemmed from my own human frailties. I not only suspect, but can unequivocally guarantee that there will be no shortage of missteps for me yet to commit, but am now confident that I can self-dispense a healthy dosage of the necessary ingredients in the proverbial medicine of tough love, even occasionally erring on the side of too much love and a little less tough.
As so many other bloggers have mentioned, this personal space in which to write has been so cathartic, so therapeutic and has provided a safe haven for me to grow, learn and change, especially regarding my identity as an adoptee. Though I hope to never stop searching within myself to honor and nurture all of the unique roles that make me who I am, I cannot deny that I feel that my focus as it pertains to adoption has shifted dramatically from when I first started this journey. It's no better, no worse, just different. The ever changing emotional development and maturity of my son and his own adoption journey certainly factors into where I find the majority of my adoption focus to be. My current work in the arena of equity and integration in the school system has absolutely influenced my thoughts on race, race consiciousness and the conversations that I feel we must continue to have. My own advancing age (almost 39, one year away from my long coveted number of 40!) has imparted me with the kind of physical and emotional freedom that I could have only dreamt of. All of these things - and so much more - have changed me and consquently this blog will undoubtedly reflect those changes.
I'm not sure where the next steps will take me. I just know that I would not change any part of these past experiences because it has ultimately brought me to where and who I am today. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And I thank you for traveling this road with me, wherever it may lead.
Happy New Year, everyone.
In gratitude,
Paula
I loved your reflection. I can relate to it, so much. I hope this year is the best ever for you and your family. I cherish our friendship very much and think you are an amazing person.
Plus, we need to have lunch soon! It's been too long~!
Posted by: Jae Ran | January 04, 2010 at 01:47 PM
May 2010 be your best year ever!
Posted by: carosgram | January 05, 2010 at 09:16 AM