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October 31, 2008



You certainly know how to hit a nail on the head. Thank you for this- my feelings exactly, only you put it better than I could.



So very well said! I'm also an adoptee and I struggle so much with educating the people in my son's (also an adoptee) world. They forget I'm an adoptee and think I'm just being an overprotective mother. If I thought they would open their mind just a little bit I'd share this post with them but unfortunately, like my many discussions with them, it will just go over their heads.


You make some great points, Paula. I always wonder if things might have turned out differently if only my parents had at least been more aware. Maybe it wouldn't have made much difference at all, but it's hard for me to believe that.


It certainly would be nice to feel like society would "allow" us to put a voice to all that feels unnatural to us- without ridicule.

Hope that made sense, it's early. lol



PLEASE keep an adoptive Mother, your words help me more than most I have read. I really hope you will continue to share your thoughts and experiences...they are vital.
Thank you.


"it doesn't make my son a product of poor parenting if he expresses less than perfect behavior or feelings that result from his personal experiences as an adoptee."

Oh, I wish more people would realize this. Especially in my case, whenever I get the enquiry, "What did your parents do or not do to make you feel this way?"

Wendy O

Absolutely. I think you are right that there are many of us who do or at least are doing our best to understand, but there are many who still dismiss that adoption is not the best of solutions in all situations and that the child will "forget" their past experiences. It is an uphill struggle to educate some of these people, but one I think is important for their children.


My husband and I are adopting. After 6 months of research--your comments and blog are what I have been searching for. It isn't the cleansed Mary Poppins infomercial, but real information from a real point of view. I find that many new adoptive and very well intentioned parents go into parenting and do very real damage to their kids by the very act of denying them what the kids need and potentially threatens the adoptive parents views. THANK YOU!


You know, I was just thinking about this today.
"Do we say because he is only a baby that he will have no lasting effects stemming from the separation from his parents? And what if the separation was framed in the context of adoption? Do we say that the thoughts and feelings and experiences of both first parents and child should somehow now be different simply because the child now went to a family who says they wanted and needed a child to complete their lives?"

I was thinking:
what if I was to be the gaurdian and eventual adoptive parent of my neices and nephews, all of them are under the age of 6, the youngest is 18 months old. Would I simply assume that since they were "so young" that I would have no responsibility to talk about who their parents were? To remember with and FOR them, to help them grieve? To allow them to grieve- even as the years pass- Would I understand that, for the youngest ones, they may not have any memory of their mother, but that they would still grieve the loss of her?
OF COURSE I WOULD... and then it really hit me, why do I/we as a society treat adoption any differently?
I am not sure why this was such an epiphany, but it was. It was also very sobering to realize that I have no hard information to help my son remember with, that is huge, enormous really.

Thank you Paula for sharing this piece of you and your son,

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