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« The Search For My Million Dollar Answer | Main | Accepting That Grief Can Last A Lifetime »

May 30, 2007


KT MeeHee


I'm sorry you've had to deal with the same closed minded ungrateful/grateful dichotomy.

Seriously, do people think they've come up with a new fangled, ingenious outlook on adoption when they throw that one out there? Gimme a break, seriously!

And you, out of ALL of us "ungrateful adoptees" are condemned for your eloquent yet honest words? That's just plain crazy.


How self righteous some people are to not allow you to speak your own truth.
Ba-hum-bug to the those that have to bad-mouth others to feel ssuperior.
Paula - I love it that you're here. Writing your truth. And writing it so beautifully.
As I said in my last post -
"It happened TO US - please do NOT negate the hurt that we feel."
Poss. xxx


I've been reading your blog for about a month, and I have really enjoyed your writings because they make me think. You've never come across as self-righteous or condescending, but rather presenting your thoughts and perceptions simply as your own.

Your parents are right -- everyone is entitled to his/her own perspective and has the right to express it. For those who would rather wallow in groupthink, they are a sad, sad lot.


I am glad that you speak your truth.
I can tell you are a better person for it.
You aren't just saying you're mad at people for dismissing your point of view, you are also saying you can respect someone else's experiences without feeling the need to launch personal attacks.

I feel sad that other adoptive parents feel so strongly that they would bully you.
By having the attitudes they have and not listening to someone who has lived the adoptee experience, is going to do a disservice to their own children.

I am glad my parents taught me as well as yours did.

I might have been a very different person if they hadn't. If they had shielded me and given the impression that my not-so-rosy opinions on being adopted weren't ok, therefore making me feel invalid as a person.

Keep doing what you're doing. So many of us thank you for it.



"We have different lived experiences. My truth is different from yours. Let's agree to disagree on certain issues."

Imagine how much more peaceful the world would be if we could all live that principle!

Paula- thank you for continuing to examine your life in such a public manner and for sharing it with us so eloquently!


I feel sad that other adoptive parents feel so strongly that they would bully you.
By having the attitudes they have and not listening to someone who has lived the adoptee experience, is going to do a disservice to their own children.

I wanted to echo these thoughts from Aussiegirl (thanks). I am sorry and disheartened that anyone but especially adoptees or adoptive parents feel the need to attack you for your feelings or words. Everyone deserves their own truths. I thank you again for sharing yourself and your words/thoughts with us. I look forward to every new post and your eloquent thought-provoking words. You have opened my eyes many times.

Those adoption forums locked for parents that you mentioned (well i think i know...the spin-off group) scare me. How can they raise their children with open-minds if they cannot listen to anyone who doesn't AGREE with them. Ack!!!

Hang in there!


I am sorry that you have been bullied, dismissed, and despised for putting your "experience" out there. It's so very interesting to me that in this "post-modern" society we claim to live in, we can't acknowledge "the Other" even if it doesn't agree with our own world perspective, our own life experience. I think you're so right in saying that although at times, I might disagree with what my "Other" is saying through their voice, I don't have the right to completely dismiss, or bully, or despise what the "Other" is saying to me. Our definition of what "the Other" is different for everyone, so everyone has something to gain or be challenged by listening to "the Other" in their lives.
Thank you for continuing to be a voice who wants to genuinely and thoughtfully, intentionally live your life.


Paula, I don't know those forums (sounds like I'm better off that way) but I am so sorry. I hope that all of the commendation you deservedly receive can lessen the sting of condemnation.
Your writing here shows you to be thoughtful, eloquent, beautiful, generous and fair.


Okay, Paula...I've been here several times now and read this and not left a comment because I just don't know what to say! This is foolishness, in the true sense of the word. APs really are fooling themselves if they think they can berate and scold and remain closed-minded in response to the words and thoughts of adult adoptees, and yet somehow learn to accept their own (adopted) children unconditionally. That's about all I can process out of this right now, as far as from an AP viewpoint.

I am VERY sorry these things are happening to you. I don't think your stock has plummeted; anything that brings truth only gains in value. :)


I think you hit a nerve with some adoptive parents because they thought they had you all figured out, as a one-dimensional person who validates all their hopes and desires for their children.

How truly sad that they cannot gleam from all your lived experiences - both as an adult adoptee AND as an adoptive parents.

You have graciously shared with us both perspectives in one. And I have learned a lot and expanded my views because of you and others like you.

Although it hurts to be demonized by these folks - especially the adoptees - all I can say is their ugly words speak VOLUMES about their OWN insecurities and fears.

As quoted in Hamlet, "Me thinks thou doest protest too much.

Sarah Nelson

Keep speaking your truth Paula.
It needs to be heard, even when it's not received with the grace with which it is given.


I am sorry that you have had personal attacks regarding your story/experience. That's just it---it is your experience and story. As a fellow adoptee I agree with your words above.

"I am but one mere adoptee amongst a sea of others. I certainly do not profess to speak for all adoptees or all Korean adoptees. Each one of us is entitled to claim our own journey for ourself.

I personally hope that you continue to seek the truth through your writing and life experiences that you share.


Your reflections are so graceful, I feel fortunate to read them. I'm an adoptive parent, wanting to learn, value your honesty and perspective.

Paula O.

Thank you everyone for your supportive and validating words. I take each comment to heart and your sentiments and insights mean a great deal to me.

Thanks for reading and for such kind and affirming words.


Joe (Nikki)

I do not understand why people feel that they can do that to you. It makes me sad and angry.

I, like another poster stated, look forward to all of your posts. I appreciate your honesty and your perspective both as an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I feel sorry for the children that the AP's who are attacking you are raising. As an AP myself, I find your insight invaluable.

Hugs to you.


Wow, I go away from blogland for a couple of weeks and all hell breaks loose. Everywhere I have read today, it's about conflict and criticism. What is up with people??

Keep talking, Paula, and let the naysayers fade away. Truth is truth, period. And your voice tells the truth beautifully.


Those who attack are just scared. They're scared and don't have the strength to face the reality of the struggles their kids will most likely face. Personally, I will feel absolutely proud as can be if my son grows up to have the insight, compassion, and confidence that you have. Thank you, as always, for sharing such personal thoughts and experiences with us.


As an AP, I want to thank you for speaking your truth. I have always found you to be insightful yet never condescending or judgmental as others are to you. I'm so sorry that other AP's are not able to listen to you... their children could only benefit.
Again thank you for sharing despite the personal pain you are subjected to.


Yup pretty much, after awhile they stop crying in your lap and just wholesale discredit you and hold up 2 deminsional whack jobs as wholesome adoptee ideals.

With some of them, I feel like they are so out of touch, that and adoptee could go shoot up a school, and covered in blood turn and face a news camera, and say, "I am happy to have been adopted, I love my aparents" and they would say "see that person is happy, it is all those in blog land who aren't really"

It is not about us being good or bad people, it is about how God in all his wisdom designed human beings, it is hardly our fault, but I am sorry you have received the wrath to the righteous and misguided, as if dealing with these issues isn't enough, is it any wonder most people don't have the strength to?


I'm sorry you are going through this nonsense. It's true that people probably really are afraid to hear your experiences....but that doesn't make mistreating you right.

You really are one of the most gracious people I ever met online. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and I hope you continue to do so.


Paula, This post is amazingly well said. It bugs the crap out of me though that it's necessary. The amount of criticism and infighting across the adoption plane makes me ill. Most of the naysaying is probably rooted in their own insecurity. Just keep being you, we love you that way. Hugs and prayers, Rebecca


"Immersing myself in coat after coat of likeminded thinking doesn't necessarily construct a stronger, more resilient me."

Exactly. People come in all shapes and size and their feelings are even more numerous. I will never understand the feelings of an adoptee, no matter how hard I try. But I can, as a parent of an adoptee, be educated about many different thoughts and views of adoptees, no matter how hard it is for me to here. Everyone has feelings, no one can tell you that you are wrong for feeling.


Keep speaking your mind because THIS adoptive parent is listening!!!

Paula O.

Joy - you're spot on, as always.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and for your support and words of encouragement. I truly do appreciate it.



I've been reading your blog ever since we came home from Vietnam with our son. I have to admit that when I first started reading your blog it was painful for me. And I thought, "not our son, he won't feel like That." But something kept drawing me back. I guess it was exactly what you just said in this post. The truth of your lived experience is no one else's, just like our sons will be. Putting my head in the sand and hoping for the best does not change that reality. I have to be ok with the pain and heart-ache that is part of adoption, because I chose this, but my son did not.
Thank you for keeping on.

Paula O.

Hi Jena:

Thanks for writing - I haven't been too diligent in the recent past about responding to all comments. I realize that you have left a few in the recent posts, which I've been thinking a lot about - so thank you for your perspective.

As a parent, I feel what you're saying about it being difficult to hear potentially painful and hurtful experiences or thoughts that our children might encounter. It's a balancing act for myself, too, of wanting to be wholly aware of any and all adoption related issues that may manifest themselves in our son's behavior - especially as it pertains to loss - but not to find myself mired in it to the point where it clouds my own perception of failing to recognize what is just simply his own inherent personality or behaviors that are typical for his age, gender and respective developmental stage.

I guess for me, I keep reading any and all adoptee's stories in a somewhat voracious manner, because I feel that their stories and learning from their experiences helps me to find the words to give to our son. Yes, there are countless books written by psychologists, social workers and other adoption professionals, which absolutely deserve to be acknowledged, but I personally believe the people who I have the most to learn from are the adoptees themselves.

Thanks again for writing.


cyber bullies suck -- keep expressing yourself, I think it's great.

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