"People Are Nicer To Daddy Because He's White"

Just last month I was on a flight where I was on the receiving end of blatant racism.  I have no doubt in my mind that the manner in which this particular airline employee (a white woman) spoke to me and treated me was a direct result of the color of my skin.  As I am wont to do when it comes to processing the acts of racism that I am subjected to, I felt the immediate pull to name and claim my own responsibility in the situation.  I know this undoubtedly is the result of being socialized from the collective culture who repeatedly and authoritatively tells me and other people of color that our experiences with racism actually have nothing to do with race at all and it's a notion that I find imposed upon me on an all too regular basis.

Luckily, I had the good fortune of traveling with a friend who helped keep my perspective in check.  My gut knew that this flight attendant's behavior was racist, but I still found myself trying to make excuses for her.  I was pissed.  Both at her, and at myself for not calling her out right then and there.  Then again, she did threaten to take my bag off the plane if I didn't do what she said (although my friend heard that it was me the employee was threatening to remove from the plane), so I promptly obliged and sat down in my seat. 

With a highly critical letter already half composed in my brain (which I did write when I got home), I looked across the aisle to my friend and said "Gee, I'm thinkin' she would have never treated or spoken to S. (my husband, who is white) that way."  

Fast forward to the following month.  Last week my family and I were on a return flight finding ourselves in the same predicament that I was in just several weeks before: trying to position and accommodate our airline approved carry-on luggage in the already crammed overhead compartments.  Like my flight a month before, it was full and the overhead space was at a premium.  Even though my husband's luggage didn't fit (just like mine didn't quite fit when I was on my flight), he didn't find himself on the receiving end of yelling, scolding and condescending behavior.  Rather, two flight attendants made triple the amount of attempts on behalf of him and his luggage that I made with my mine - attempts mind you which were met with hostility and a threat to have my suitcase (or me, as the case may be) removed from the plane. 

Admittedly, these events were not truly identical in that not only did we have different flight attendants, but that my family was on a completely different airline than the one I flew on last month.  I get that.  But that doesn't change the facts of how I was treated and how my husband was treated.  I wish I could tell you that these events happened in isolation and that our family has never experienced another situation similar to these.  But of course we all know that not to be the case.  I am aware of it.  My husband is aware of it and our kids, ages 9 and (nearly) 7 years are fully aware of it as well.

After my incident on the plane several weeks ago, my husband and our kids had numerous discussions about it.  My kids outright admitted that they didn't think that their dad would have been treated as poorly as I was and using their own language, both were able to identify sexism and racism as part of the equation. 

When this most recent event took place on our flight last week, both of my kids were quick to comment.  My son especially is an astute observer of the particular behaviors people around him exhibit.  Without any prompting, he matter-of-factly remarked to me that "people are nicer to daddy because he's white and that people like to help him more.  You have brown skin and people don't like that as much as they like white skin".  My son's daily lexicon does not include the phrase white privilege, but he witnesses it on a daily basis and is intimately familiar with the weight that it carries.  (I would argue that we all bear witness to white privilege on a daily basis - some are just more adept at identifying it for what it is.)

I remember feeling such dissonance when I was about my kid's ages regarding my white privilege by association.  Like my son, I didn't identify the way my parents and brothers were treated as "white privilege", but I certainly knew enough from my experiences to know that I ranked a helluva lot higher as a human being when in their white presence.  It did not go unnoticed that I would receive top notch treatment and be given the benefit of the doubt - all of the time, regardless of the context of the situation, whenever my parents or brothers would be with me.  It continues to this day - with my family, my husband and my white friends.  Alone, I am a suspicious person who is on the brink of doing something unlawful or untoward; with my dad in tow, I am suddenly transformed into a prospective client whose whims and desires are found charming and are offered to be met.  Alone, I am a dispensable and barely seen customer who is relegated to waiting until the older white gentleman has been served; with my husband by my side, I am magically elevated to a more deserving status and ushered to a table straight away.  Alone, I am presumed to be submissive and impervious to snide remarks and stares that suggest I don't speak English; with my girlfriends suddenly I am a living, breathing, vibrant woman who is recognized for having a personality.  Is this my dad's, husband's or friends' fault that they are treated this way?  No.  Is it their responsibility to recognize that their white privilege affords them opportunities, access, benefits and preferential treatment that those they love as well as others of color are repeatedly denied?  Absolutely.

It's not uncommon for me to hear from white adoptive parents that it's somehow okay to use their white privilege as long as it benefits their own child of color.  But what is this really teaching their child?  Whether my parents consciously used their white privilege to advance my own (or their own) best interest is irrelevant.  No one is arguing that they did not have good intentions.  The fact of the matter is that as a person of color, the impact is that I left the proverbial nest woefully ill-equipped to navigate this racially charged world.  I may have been raised by a white family and treated as an honorary white person in their presence, but I had not been taught to anticipate how the world would treat me as an Asian woman, which is what I am.  I was so conditioned to be treated as the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. X, that when I was no longer under the tutelage of two white parents, I was left unprotected, unprepared and uneducated on what to do when I was subjected to racist acts and behaviors. 

The whole "Just stick by me, kid, and you'll be fine" mentality does a child of color NO FAVORS.  Because God willing, our kids will grow up to be adults and the world WILL see them not as your son or daughter, but as a person of color.  Here's a newsflash:  The world already sees them as people of color because that is who they are.  And like it or not, that means something in this society.  We owe it to our kids to acknowledge this and to empower them with the language, the skill set and the permission to talk about race, racism and white privilege.  My kids need and deserve to have their experiences validated in a way that mine were not.  To recognize that yes, they are my kids and that of course I love them unconditionally, but to get over myself and to help my husband get over himself to know better that the greater world will first and foremost see them as a bi-racial female and an Asian male.  And that those identities mean something in how they will be received by many.  I harbor no illusions that they will be afforded the same privileges, benefits and unearned rights as their father and I challenge my husband at every turn to check his privilege at the door and to see the world from the eyes of his children. . . to acknowledge and observe that the standard of treatment he has come to expect often far exceeds what his wife, kids and other people of color are offered in identical situations.

To paraphrase the words of a white, male adoptive parent from Pact Camp who I admire and respect so very much, it is incumbent upon white parents of children of color to be intentional about NOT using their white privilege to their advantage and especially not cashing it in for their children's benefit.  In essence the message being relayed is "You, as a person of color, will never be worthy enough to stand alone as the person you inherently are and without the rightness of my whiteness, you are and always will be seen and treated as less than."

To my son I say, yes, honey, you are right.  Many people do treat your mom differently than they treat your dad and that is not right.  I am worthy enough to stand alone.  YOU are worthy enough to stand alone.  We are not less than and we will not allow to be treated as such.

Comments

[Laurie]

Really interesting post. I am wondering how much gender affected the scenario as well. I know that I have experienced similar treatment when males in the same situation have been treated with more respect. Thank you for the reminder that as a white parent of a daugher of color, it is incumbent on me to remember that she is going to have to navigate the world as both a female and as a person of color.

[joy21joyjoyjoyljo0]

oh this is such a thought provoking post.

[Linda]

I am willing to agree that you are probably the suject of racism at times, but the plane incident could of just been a cranky flight attendent. We've all experienced people treating us second class not matter what color we are. No I am not a flight attendent and yes I am the blessed white mother of an adopted daughter from China. I will take the rest of the blog into consideration and thank you for your views.

[Paula O.]

@Linda: Thanks for your comment. You're right - she could have just been a cranky flight attendant; that possibility ran through my mind as I tried to think of every excuse for way she chose to interact with me.

However, (and this is an important piece that I neglected to distinguish in my original post) after observing her behavior on the rest of the flight, it was clear to me that there existed a much different standard in how she chose to interact with the passengers who were white.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make excuses for people who exhibit racist behavior and who act on their prejudices. Racist behavior isn't limited to someone calling me "Chink" or telling me to go back from where I came from because I'm "making America dirty". Much more often it's so much more subtle than that - I've learned to trust my gut when I know I'm being treated in a way that has everything to do with my ethnicity.

[Courtney]

"...it is incumbent upon white parents of children of color to be intentional about NOT using their white privilege to their advantage and especially not cashing it in for their children's benefit." My question is, as a white AP mom, how do we not use white privilege? It doesn't seem to be something we can turn on and off. I can't tell people, "please treat me as a POC even though I'm white." (I really mean this as a serious question.) My Korean son is growing up in a white family and even though we deliberately put ourselves in many situations where white people are the minority, and Asian Americans are the majority, I want him to be equipped to deal with racism and prejudice as both a child and an adult. (Our son is 7 years old.) If we don't prepare him for the reality of life as a POC in America, then we will really have failed him. I really need some advice.

[jen]

Ditto what Courtney wrote.

[Jen Hilzinger]

What a great blog post. I'm going to go through your blog and read them all this morning. Thank you for sharing this piece with us and being willing to help white adoptive parents grapple with these issues. It is so important for us white parents raising kids of color to understand these issues. Often whites will react harshly or dismissively/paternalistic to people of color when they speak the truth. I can imagine this may have happened to you as well, and yet your voice is clear :) Please know that some of us read and take it to heart.

I'm reading and sharing,
Jen

[thewonderfulhappens]

Thank you for this. I am going to share this post.

[Paula O.]

@Jen H. and thewonderfulhappens: The validation and your willingness to read and talk about these kinds of issues means a lot and in my opinion, can only benefit us all; thank you.

@Courtney and Jen: I appreciate your questions and your desire to go deeper and examine the enormous complexity that is white privilege. I certainly don't have a comprehesive answer to the question that you've asked, but I'll humbly start by sharing my own initial thoughts and speaking to my own experiences and hope that others will offer their perspectives as well.

First of all, I think it's paramount for our TRA kids to have as many opportunities as possible to be in the majority and I think it's great that your son is able to experience that affirmation of his identity.

In terms of how does one not use white privilege. . .this is my take on it: Historically, being white has always carried certain privileges. Being white in this culture and society has never been seen as less than and whites have never been portrayed or treated as having traits or characteristics that are deemed less desirable, unlike POC. It is my assertion that white privilege will always be present in the equation of human interaction and that it is so deeply embedded into how our systems and institutions operate that white people will, for the foreseeable future, continue to be the beneficiaries of unearned privileges, benefits and virtually unlimited access to resources.

I liken this to the way that our society traditionally has held men in higher esteem than women. Men aren't suddenly going to get a cut in pay even though it's an estabished fact that men with the equivalent amount of education as their female counterparts will earn a higher salary. White people, like males v. females, will continue being the recipients of privilege in this society.

So. . .I guess what I'm trying to say is that the mentality of "Please treat me as a POC even though I'm white" is flawed in that A) It's simply not going to happen and B) More importantly, I believe that we together should be fighting for equal treatment for all, and that even though there obviously exists a separation in how POC and whites are treated, portrayed, represented and received, we - and especially white people - need to CALL OUT racist behavior, stereotypes, prejudices when we see it and that white people cannot allow themselves to benefit in the everyday subtle ways that they do.

Here's an example of an everyday situation that happens all too often: Let's say my husband, who is white, is amongst a group of people of color waiting in line for a particular service. It's not a stretch to say that the salesperson is likely to defer first to my husband and ask him how he can be helped, even though others may have been waiting longer. In my opinion, it would be a blatant abuse of white male privilege if he were to just accept the offer for help without speaking up on behalf of every other person was there. And wouldn't it even be better if he were to say to the employee something to the effect of "You might find it useful to address the group as a whole and find out who was waiting first". This has the potential to be a really powerful statement coming from a white male.

Of course we know that white privilege extends far beyond the lines at a store. . .but I use this example because it's an apt illustration of how white privilege is exercised on a daily basis in front of our TRA kids. And if their white parents allow themselves to benefit, our kids may very well start to draw their own conclusions about what their racial identity means and how it is valued (or devalued)in our culture.

Taking a really critical look at the various circles that one's family travels in can be a good starting point to noticing examples of white privilege. For example: Your kid's school. Do you notice any disparities between the kids who are referred out for targeted services? Do you notice any discrepencies in how your child's teacher disciplines students of color v. the white students? How many POC are in positions of power and influence in your school, church, sports teams, etc? How many families talk about this with their children of color?

One example the aforementioned white, male AP (the man I referenced in the original post) used was not speeding, especially in the presence of his son, who is black. This parent knows that his white privilege will afford him certain benefits on the road that are simply not afforded to his son and that it is critical that he does not abuse his privilege, because really - what message is this sending his son?

I realize that I'm talking in a very circular fashion, but I guess this is all to say that it starts with a heightened level of consciousness and awareness. And it requires people in the dominant culture to observe, listen and speak up.

[Amy C.]

Thanks for the thoughtful post. How to deal with this issue is something that positively plages me as the white parent of a Chinese adoptee. I very much appreciate your perspective and want to let you know that I apprecaite you putting this out there. At least one AP hears you, and hopes to act on your experience to the betterment of my daughter. I know I won't always succeed, but I will try my best.

[Margie]

Paula! I have missed you and am thrilled to know you're writing again. With this post you hit the ball right out of the park.

"I remember feeling such dissonance when I was about my kid's ages regarding my white privilege by association."

"It's not uncommon for me to hear from white adoptive parents that it's somehow okay to use their white privilege as long as it benefits their own child of color."

There is so much I as a parent can learn from these two statements, about what I should be doing and what I should not do. Thank you for reminding us that even the best of our intentions can bring painful consequences for our children.

Hope all is well in your world!

[Julia]

Paula,
I think this is such an important post. Thanks so much for writing. I would love to cross-post it on Love Isn't Enough. Would you be open to that? I can be reached at team@loveisntenough.com

Thanks again.

[Paula O.]

Julia, I'm so sorry that I'm just getting back to you. In true form, I've been neglecting my blog and haven't logged in for several days. Yes, please feel free to cross-post it - thanks for asking. Again, sorry for the delay.

[Jen]

I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying, but racism does work the other way as well. I am white with a Korean husband (and an adopted Chinese daughter), and when we travel by Korean Air to visit my in-laws I find I am always treated horribly by the cabin crew (typically they forget my meals, do not offer me drinks etc, ignore me if I try to speak to them, and are generally very offhand. I always end up with my husband having to demand things for me). I assume that this is because I am white and married to a Korean man, which appears to be a bit of a cultural no no.

[Michael Johnston]

OK a beautiful and accurate description of how things are Paula. I am an adoptive dad in what was a two cultural family now three cultural thanks to our youngest. Born and raised into white privilege. And oh boy is it real, the change to understanding of just how real was devastating and shocking. How can people treat my wife so? Even more devastating was when I visited the country of her birth. Her parents were refugees and settled in Finland. It is a ultra mono-cultural country and some elements there are openly hostile to any difference. I have an extensive collection of swearwords abuse and obstruction most too pathetically hilarious to bother with. Being clearly not a Finn they assume I am a Middle Eastern Islamic fanatic. Why I have no idea racism is not at all logical, but a dark skin from many hours at work outside round the world clearly helps them get there. What all this does do is alter my behaviour. I have become much less trusting of people and much more willing to to intervene in situations where my family is involved. Sometimes abuse happens right in front of me, as I cannot possibly be a family member of this group. However I also find all people of colour do not not need or want a white night, they know full well when to do what they need to. Finally I do have sympathy for Flight Attendants of colour. On one of my flights back from a job in Russia the Russian passengers regularly bellowed the N-word (edited) when they wanted a drink. They did not get any nor they they make their connection. Keep telling the truth Paula.

[Tee @ Fostering Thrifty Families]

A really excellent post. Thank you. Especially this: 'The whole "Just stick by me, kid, and you'll be fine" mentality does a child of color NO FAVORS.' Wish I could tattoo that inside the eyelids of every transracially adoptive parent :)