Who's Following Whose Lead?

Imagine you recently started a job you absolutely love.  The manager to whom you report is kind, friendly, accepting and respectful.  Though you're not exactly sure of each and every project that you'll be working on, you feel good about the work you've done so far.

As the months roll along, your supervisor has given you increasingly more autonomy in your position, something you find both refreshing but somewhat confusing.  For instance, you have been given several assignments that you are completely unfamiliar with and you're not exactly sure if what you're doing is on the right track or not.  Some of the material is a bit daunting as you have never experienced this kind of work before.  This has left an unsettling and anxious feeling in your gut.  You've tried delicately to bring up your areas of concern, but do so in a less than obvious way as to not offend or upset your boss; in fact the last time you tried to approach the subject your boss reassured you that you are doing a great job and that everything you're doing is right.   In your heart you know that your boss truly has no idea of the internal distress that you're experiencing, but you continue to remain reticent for fear that she and all of your colleagues will think of you as incompetent and a poor performer.  It's all so mind-boggling to you; everyone is constantly telling you how confident and together you are, while inside you're floundering and scared by the onslaught of feelings that you're having - afraid that no one really understands what you're going through.

Years later you and your former boss meet up for lunch.  She still marvels at how composed, how mature and how focused you seemed to be in your former position.  At long last you feel compelled to say what you couldn't so many years ago.  "I was so lost.  I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or who I could turn to.  I tried to talk to you about it, but I don't think we knew what the other was saying.  As much as I liked working with you, it just would have been nice to have a little more guidance or someone to talk to."

Your former boss looks at you absolutely stunned.  "I honestly don't know what to say.  I just thought it would be best to follow your lead and since everything seemed perfectly fine from the outside, I just assumed you didn't need my help.  I truly really had no idea that you had any questions, apprehensions or concerns about your job at all."

                                       *                                     *                                     *         

I must admit, I cringe just a little bit every time I hear an adoptive parent say they plan to follow their child's lead when it comes to addressing the different aspects in adoption.  Whether it's talking about their child's first family, integrating their child's ethnic culture, addressing the subject of race and race consciousness, identity, loss, grief, feelings of rejection, fear of abandonment or resistance to trust, I can't help but think what a tremendous burden it possibly might be on the child to have to be responsible to initiate and direct these kinds of conversations with their parents. . .the people a child looks up to, the authority figures and the ones who I believe should be behind the wheel. 

As a child and even now as an adult, I know in both my heart and mind that I can talk to my parents about most anything when it comes to my adoption.  And still, there are still a few things that I have been - and still am - reluctant to bring up on my own because they have never openly or directly talked about it themselves.  Even as a grown adult, there is still a part of me that is so afraid of hurting or upsetting my parents.  Never would I want them to think that I don't love them or that my questions somehow imply that I'm not happy or content to be their daughter.  Logically, my mind knows this doesn't exactly make sense as they have never given me any reason to believe this, but still, there is a part in the deepest place of my heart that cannot take that risk. 

Imagine being a child of 5, 8 or 12 years old and never having your parents approach the topic of your adoption other than saying things like "Be proud of the fact that you're adopted", "Being adopted makes you special" or "Other kids sure must be jealous of how lucky you are" without so much as an opening or opportunity to talk about the more complex and often times confusing aspects that accompany one's status as an adoptee.  Imagine how nervous, anxious and even frightened a child might be to ask their adoptive parents about his/her desire to know more about his/her first family, when it's never been genuinely brought forth as a legitimate topic of discussion before.  I personally believe that there are already so many responsibilities that many adoptees automatically take on and internalize when it comes to their relationship with their adoptive parents, that to ask an adopted child to be the facilitator of his/her own family adoption-related discussions is just too much of an unfair and unnecessary onus to place upon any adoptee.

Just today my son and I talked about his Korean family.  I strive to find that balance in giving him the security of knowing that he is our son and that my husband and I are the mom and dad who are raising him while still honoring his beginnings including acknowledging the parents of whom he was born; the family who will always be a part of his identity and a part of who he is at his core.  We don't talk about adoption everyday, but we have authentic and unprompted conversations several times a week - it's just something I feel very passionately about discussing frequently and openly in our everyday lives.  Some days he says very little and shows hardly any interest and sometimes he has a host of questions about his Korean family, foster family or the differences in appearances between him and many of his peers.  But I make it a point to provide numerous opportunities to talk about the myriad of different aspects pertinent to his adoption and allow him to share as little or as much as he chooses.  And that is where I follow his lead. 

I know certain adoption related conversations can be extraordinarily difficult and incredibly uncomfortable for adoptive parents.  And sometimes, as we parents get swept up in the endless minutiae of everyday life, it becomes all too tempting and far too easy to set aside those conversations or discussions that we know we should be having with our child.  But putting it off doesn't make the topics go away, nor does it make it any easier on anyone in the long run.  Especially on our children. 

Comments

[Cheryl In Iowa]

Great post, Paula!!!! It is unfair for parents to put that burden on their children.

[Roses]

I think this is so true! Talking about adoption is just like talking about sex or drugs or any other sensitive topic that some people may feel is "uncomfortable". If we wait for our kids to bring it up chances are it won't get discussed and chances are our kids will suffer for it. Adults have to guide kids through all these complicated areas. Glad you brought this up!

[Juliette]

We go back to my family in France only every year and half. I remember 2 Christmas ago my daughter was 3 and she said to her cousins she was lucky because with us and her Chinese Dad and Mom she has 4 parents.
My Mom came to me panicking, asking me why she would speak about them like that and if that was appropriate for us to speak so much bout her adoption and China with her, that she was too young and that we might want to wait until she asks.
I had some doubts for a while, wondering if it was the right thing to do, being natural about it with her and create with a book, some pictures or else an opportunity to speak about it.
Glad to know you believe like me that our children can decide only if we give them the info to decide.
Thanks

[Ha]

In your post below you stated....

"I consider myself no expert at parenting, and that includes parenting a child who is adopted. But as many other adoptees have said before, I do consider myself an expert in my own life as an adoptee - what I know to be true, what I have experienced and how it has affected me."

So why would you 'cringe' because someone does something different than you? You're right... You're an expert on your life and you know your son better than anyone else, so you know what he is comfortable with. This post sounds very judgemental and you sound like you are putting your 'expert' hat on to repremand those many, many adoptive parents you claim to know. If you were honest with yourself and your readers you would say you don't know many of them in real life, nor do you know their children or their personalities well enough to say what they can handle and when.

I know 3 trans-racial adoptees and they don't feel the same way as you do in a lot of ways. I referred them to your blog and we've discussed you're writings a few times. The four of us find no relation to most of what you write. What we're most concerned with is that most of your readers who are adoptive parents to trans racial adoptees, will harm their children more than help them by taking your words verbatim. But that's on the adoptive parents shoulders not yours, just to clarify.

[Wendy O]

Ha,

I don't know who you talk to or their experiences, but you are the one who is making a universal claim. I have to say that I don't think any AP takes any one person's experiences as the whole and absolute truth for everyone; however, it is important to take in many truths and experiences in order to fully understand and recognize what may be happening with our children.

I am very appreciate of many TRA's experiences (that they are willing to share--they are not writing for us btw). You have a lot of nerve posting such a rude comment, if you and your friends don't agree then just move on.

The leap you are taking into thinking AP's are "harming" their children with information is ridiculous. Roses is also correct (like any other hard issue), it is an essential conversation(s) that is important to be open about. If you don't talk to your children and allow them a forum for their thoughts, you are the one harming. Maybe your children will be like your friends who may or may not have grown up in a family of trust and open discussion, maybe not. I hope you are more open and less judgemental of them than you are of a person who is opening her ideas to us and one in which you don't have to read or accept as truth. It seems though that you are in the minority when it comes to understanding, but in the majority of those in denial.

[Paula O.]

Dear Ha,

I'm afraid you bestow upon me far too much influence and authority when it comes to how APs will choose to parent their child. As Wendy mentioned, hopefully many APs are seeking out a range of truths and experiences from the many voices affected by adoption, as well as other resources in a concerted effort to make an informed, intelligent and well-thought out decision when it comes to parenting their adopted child. As I said on an adoption forum earlier today (which I suspect you have might already read, given the choice of words you elected to use in your particular comment), hopefully we as the parents know our children the best and I believe it is absolutely imperative that we remain cognizant of our children's emotional, social, psychological and other developmental needs when discerning when and how to approach the subject of their adoption.

I am most pleased that you have had conversations with other transracial adoptees. I suspect there are many, many other transracial adoptees who would disagree with me on just as many issues as the ones you mention, but I for one, am just happy to hear that adoptees are speaking their truths and expressing themselves to other people. I don't know if it was your intention or not, but please do not try to position your knowledge from them to artificially create a mutual tension amongst me and any fellow adoptees. I believe it is incredibly unfair to everyone - most especially to adoptees - when one attempts to assert the truth of one adoptee to invalidate or entirely negate the other. I personally believe there is room for just an many opinions as there are adoptees, because there is always a place - and should be a place - for one's truth. No two adoptees will have the exact same experiences, nor will they ever feel the same way about adoption related issues and I for one, have never asserted as such.

When it comes down to it, I am but one adoptee and adoptive parent who tries my best to speak honestly and openly about my own experiences, reflections, observations, correspondance and direct interactions with others. My opinion is just that - mine. And I truly do thank you for sharing yours.

[Paula O.]

Wendy O - thank you for sharing your opinion here as well!

[Sarah]

Paula,
Once again, thank you for sharing your heart, observations, and thoughts.
Because of our open adoption with our youngest daughter, the topic of her Korea Mommy is a nearly every day conversation starter. Some have suggested to us that she's too young for the information we give to her, or that perhaps we giving her access to the photos her Mother provided her with is "too much" for her to handle. I see it otherwise. Her security with us is growing, but more importantly, her security in herself is increasing. While she has had questions since she came home, her other sibling haven't shown the same curiosity about their first families until recently. Yet we've tried to create an atmosphere where they can and will be comfortable asking questions, some of which we will sadly be unable to answer.