So About That Website. . .

Last night I was talking to my husband about that website - the one that is indeed a farce, a hoax; and in my opinion, a crude, vile and offensive way to bring about awareness for the need for adoption reform.  I was trying to explain to him - and maybe even to myself - just why it was I had such a visceral reaction to that site - just why it was that it hit me so deeply in the pit of my stomach and got my blood rising to the point where it perhaps impeded my ability to see what others saw so clearly: that it was obviously one big, satirical "joke".

Seeing the pictures of those children with their accompanying "bios" made me sick, physically sick.  It brought back a flood of emotions from the vast research I did on my mini-thesis in college on sexual and human trafficking.  Reading actual stories about real children - as young as 2 years old - who were starved for days (and in many instances drugged) and then finally given food like honey and peanut butter - only to be placed on men's genitals - stories like these and countless others of the sexual exploitation of children that can literally send one to the darkest, helpless and hopeless place she never dreamed possible.

So when I read a bio of a 2 year-old child who is said to have "uncommonly big lips, but that some parents find that to be an attractive quality for personal reasons", I have NO tolerance, NO patience and find absolutely NO justification for how tactics like this that dehumanize and sexually exploit children in this type of manner can be considered good or effective in getting one's message across.

And on a much more personal level, as an adoptee, there was a part of me that saw myself in these children.  The innocent child who is marketed, groomed, packaged and "sold" to the highest bidder.  Me - the available Asian adoptee - who doesn't quite make the cut to be placed in the "Platinum Package" but who can be offered instead in the "Gold" one.  And maybe this website just hit too damn close to home.  That the hurt and anger I felt upon seeing this website was instead the hurt and anger I feel about how TOO OFTEN adoptees - especially those who are infants and young children - are seen as a product, a commodity and not as a living, breathing human being.  Like when I hear about baby brokers and others affiliated with unethical adoptions who troll MySpace looking for pregnant teens, people who I feel don't necessarily care about the mother's best interest whatsoever, but rather who are after the perfect product which they need in order to close the deal with their clients.  Or even on the more reputable adoption websites which offer financial incentives or grants to offset the adoption costs of a particular boy or girl who is available for adoption.  As an adoptee, I feel as if the child is being made available at a discount or sale price in order to be considered more appealing to those who are looking for a child.  I can't help but think how I would feel knowing that I had to be "marked down" to such an attractive and affordable price before someone stepped up to claim themselves as my parents.  I'm sorry, but If a child who has special or different needs is born to his/her parents in the hospital, does a doctor, nurse or someone from the parent's insurance group show up to say, "Listen, we're awfully sorry you didn't get the perfect child - so for your sacrifice and troubles, we'll give you a break on your hospital and delivery fees if you decide you still want to keep your baby."  Or when others joke, as they have to me and other adoptive parents that I know, "Hey, is there a refund policy on that kid if s/he doesn't turn out the way you expected?" 

I don't at all believe that the act or theory behind adoption can be exclusively or simply reduced to the selling and purchasing of children.  I'd like to believe that all adoptions that take place are conducted by all parties adhering to the highest of ethical, legal and moral standards. . . but obviously, I know that is not the case.  I know there is a dark side to adoption - a very dark, corrupt and evil side that exists, but is rarely heard or talked about.  And Suz is able to express herself much more eloquently than I about this dark side of adoption, the side that I feel is all too present in too many adoptions even today.

Clearly, this website struck a chord in me and I believe it's because sadly, I cannot deny there is a modicum of truth to what this website was mocking and saying about the unethical practices and injustices that exist in adoption today, both domestically and internationally.  And speaking only for myself as an adoptee - that truth just plain hurts.  There's no other way for me to say it.  To know that in the eyes of some, that adoptees like me and our son are simply viewed and believed to be a product that can be obtained for those who had the financial means, well, it's hard for me to find the dignity and honor in that.       

But I just have to believe there is a better way to effect change in adoption than using and exploiting children the way I feel this website does.  I believe it's one thing to use shock tactics to drive your point home, but it's entirely another thing to use children in a manner that degrades, dehumanizes and exploits them in the way I feel this message has done.

Comments

[Mary]

I recently have found myself both pregnant and in the process of adopting. Many people have said "but you don't have to adopt now - why would you go through with it?" Followed by "Can't you get your money back?" I find it so insulting that they think it has anything to do with money. We found out we were pregnant shortly after our dossier went off. IF we had found out earlier we may have delayed the adoption. However, we found out after and we figure that means it is God's plan. We have also heard, "well, at least this one is free." UGH!!! It is so not about money. That website is disgusting!!!

[suz]

I can speak to it because I experienced it, sadly.

But yes, that site is indeed horrific but many aspects of adoption are horrific. Many dont have to be and even the ones that are can be done better (like open records for instance).

Hugs.

[Paula O.]

Oh, Suz, I'm so sorry if my reference to your post came across as insensitive and dismissive to the very real pain, injustices and corruption that you have personally suffered and been subjected to. I certainly did not mean to minimize or ignore your experiences in any way by coming off casual or flip in my reference to your post.

And you're so right, there are countless aspects in adoption that can be done better - and should be done better.

[suz]

Oh, no, not at all. I did not find it the least bit dismissive. No worries. While I saw the horror that everyone else, I saw something else too. That was the point I was trying to make. I appreciate you saw it and linked to me.

[Sparky]

Thank you Paula. Your words have once again had a tremendous impact on me. I understand what that website was attempting to accomplish but they missed the mark completely.

[abebech]

You're absolutely right, Paula.
(And I think even if it was meant to be satirical, it was not reform minded -- in order to be reform-minded one has to, at the end of the day, value people, and this site was degrading and exploitative).

[MeeHee]

since i'm jumping into this discussion a bit late, i'm not entirely sure what the actual website is (i understand NOT posting it b/c of the trackback link issue) but i can imagine what type of satrical humor they were going for and how it's just NOT funny.

i mean, i'm one for sarcasm and wise cracks, but it sounds a bit extreme. Kind of reminds me of when the daily show had susan keum cox on as a guest and the reporter for the show did a satire on intl adoptions that made me cringe. sometimes its just NOT funny, even if its not meant to outright offend (or, in this case, offend you so much that you laugh? *rolls eyes)

[Ansley]

I had the same visceral reaction when reading the descriptions of the kids. It was completely disgusting.

[Denise Roessle]

I too am angry about this hoax. Thank goodness it isn’t a real agency, but in any case it is over-the-top offensive to everyone touched by adoption. Whatever the purpose, even if it’s to expose how out-of-control and self-serving the adoption industry has become, there are some things that should not be lampooned.

With all due respect, I have come to believe that most people conceive AND/OR adopt children to satisfy their own needs. Think back to years gone by when people had 8, 10, 12 or more children, not just due to lack of birth control, but because they needed more hands in the field and because a high percentage of the youngsters died from illnesses that were not yet curable. In modern times, people have children to continue their legacy, to reproduce in their own image, to turn out an exceptional child that will make them proud, and any number of reasons that are not all that selfless. This motivation doesn’t mean that they won’t be good parents; in fact most are and give their all for their children.

Now I’m going out on a limb. I’m afraid that there are parents, both natural or adoptive, who think they “own” their children. After all, they gave them life and/or good homes. They expect that their offspring will do their bidding, that they will be respected and obeyed no matter what, to be taken care of in their elder years, and yes, maybe even to receive organs if that becomes necessary. They are not above disowning their children if these expectations are not met.

I know they don’t represent all parents, and I want to believe they are the minority. I’m just saying that in this day and age of “it’s all about me and my needs,” a web site like this one, if it was real, might not be that big of a jump in our society.

[margaret]

The site made me physically ill as well. It also reminded me that I have seen real photolistings that are so troubling, as I'm sure so all of you here have seen as well.

[Marla]

I hear ya, Paula.

[Mia]

You know but I will say it anyway - I am in 100% agreement with you on this!